November 19, 2009
Karim Abdullah
Washington DC, USA — In an international press conference and talking about the United States economy, US Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton has just said "Compare anything to the US government and you'll see no one can waste money like we can".
No comments were given after the conference, but expect the most powerful nation in the world to rely foreign aid at any time in the near future.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
God Creates Man, Makes Mistake- Creates Woman
BREAKING NEWS
November 18, 2009
Elena Alexandrov
Earth — After 2000 years of public silence, Jesus Christ, 2009, arrived to earth this morning in order to give a press conference.
Jesus, who was accompanied by his entourage, Mohammed, Buddha, Ganesha, Elena G. White and Joseph Smith, said that "he was happy to be back" and "is here to give a message from his father".
"First, and foremost, creating man was a mistake... just look at one" said an enthusiastic Christ while smiling towards the cameras - "We therefore chose to create woman - who is the perfect being".
When questioned about the creation of man, Christ replied that "Man was simply a prototype. Sadly we could not recover the original blueprints of woman since they were stolen by Lucifer, who now uses them to lure people to hell with pornography, whores and whatever a woman could do to incite and manipulate man - it's the perfect weapon".
Is lesbianism ok?
Since the press conference, ultra feminist and lesbian advocate Rosie Fritz, 25, commented that this may be the indirect way of God agreeing to woman on woman action, however, her dreams were soon crushed when a heaven spokesperson replied "We do not comment on rumor or speculation - that's what religion is for".
November 18, 2009
Elena Alexandrov
Earth — After 2000 years of public silence, Jesus Christ, 2009, arrived to earth this morning in order to give a press conference.
Jesus, who was accompanied by his entourage, Mohammed, Buddha, Ganesha, Elena G. White and Joseph Smith, said that "he was happy to be back" and "is here to give a message from his father".
"First, and foremost, creating man was a mistake... just look at one" said an enthusiastic Christ while smiling towards the cameras - "We therefore chose to create woman - who is the perfect being".
When questioned about the creation of man, Christ replied that "Man was simply a prototype. Sadly we could not recover the original blueprints of woman since they were stolen by Lucifer, who now uses them to lure people to hell with pornography, whores and whatever a woman could do to incite and manipulate man - it's the perfect weapon".
Is lesbianism ok?
Since the press conference, ultra feminist and lesbian advocate Rosie Fritz, 25, commented that this may be the indirect way of God agreeing to woman on woman action, however, her dreams were soon crushed when a heaven spokesperson replied "We do not comment on rumor or speculation - that's what religion is for".
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friend cockblocks other "Friend" - Says he is Best friend
November 17, 2009
Adam Weizmann
Austin, Texas — Resident Joe Baker, 23, is tired of his so called friend who apparently tries to sabotage his potential relationship. Baker, who has been seeing Tatiana Pomelli, mentioned earlier today that he "is tired of this shit" and "wishes that this stupid fuck would get a life, a girlfriend and/or a boyfriend" after the third party sabotaged his date for the 34th time this year, by either "coming along uninvited, text messaging, calling or sounding depressed(read: being emo)". On the other hand, Marvin Bing, 20, defends his position. "I'm both of their friends - I have a right to be here. If they want to have time alone, all they have to do is tell me, and I'll leave them alone" Later adding "I'll just barge in at the most inappropriate of time".
Jealousy or Protective Friend?
Bing, who was previously in love with Pomelli, argues that he is just being protective of her and it is necessary to be around [her] all the time, even while Baker is not around. "I'm just taking care of her, that's all" Said Bing, who later whispered "I need to make sure that no one takes her from my friend: Joe".
However, Bing's statement might not be all that true. Susan McNamara, a relationship specialist, believes that Bing is clearly obsessed with Pomelli which is shown by his childish attitude and immature behavior while trying to look like the alfa-dog.
"Trying to get all her attention by talking too much? Check. Trying to undermine Baker? Check. Trying to be with Pomelli 24/7 now that there's someone else in the picture? Check. What we've got here is a typical case of assholerism/cockblockism and sadly the only way to cure his fixation is for him to grow a pair" ranted McNamara.
Unfortunately, at Press Time, Bing hasn't grown anything.
Stay tuned for updates.
Adam Weizmann
Austin, Texas — Resident Joe Baker, 23, is tired of his so called friend who apparently tries to sabotage his potential relationship. Baker, who has been seeing Tatiana Pomelli, mentioned earlier today that he "is tired of this shit" and "wishes that this stupid fuck would get a life, a girlfriend and/or a boyfriend" after the third party sabotaged his date for the 34th time this year, by either "coming along uninvited, text messaging, calling or sounding depressed(read: being emo)". On the other hand, Marvin Bing, 20, defends his position. "I'm both of their friends - I have a right to be here. If they want to have time alone, all they have to do is tell me, and I'll leave them alone" Later adding "I'll just barge in at the most inappropriate of time".
Jealousy or Protective Friend?
Bing, who was previously in love with Pomelli, argues that he is just being protective of her and it is necessary to be around [her] all the time, even while Baker is not around. "I'm just taking care of her, that's all" Said Bing, who later whispered "I need to make sure that no one takes her from my friend: Joe".
However, Bing's statement might not be all that true. Susan McNamara, a relationship specialist, believes that Bing is clearly obsessed with Pomelli which is shown by his childish attitude and immature behavior while trying to look like the alfa-dog.
"Trying to get all her attention by talking too much? Check. Trying to undermine Baker? Check. Trying to be with Pomelli 24/7 now that there's someone else in the picture? Check. What we've got here is a typical case of assholerism/cockblockism and sadly the only way to cure his fixation is for him to grow a pair" ranted McNamara.
Unfortunately, at Press Time, Bing hasn't grown anything.
Stay tuned for updates.
God's Evil Plan
November 17, 2009
Faruk Muhti
Editorial Newsroom
San Jose, Costa Rica — With war and violence breaking throughout the world being justified by religious beliefs, it finally seems that God's evil plan is finally coming together.
"He wants us all dead!" said local nutcase Father Amado Fuentes, 65, while sipping his morning coffee "His plan is perfect - He has given us free will and tricked us into freely interpreting his scriptures making us believe that He is different per country, region or religion - and that we must kill for Him".
However, this is not something new as most religions that believe in God have killed, kill or will kill in His Holy name, as theologist Marta Castro, 37, explains "it started with the Jews, then the Romans, the Catholics, the Arabs, the Christians, the Mormons - everyone just kills in the name of God - Apparently, people that go to church or follow a religion are gullible to do whatever the leader tells them to do... as long as it's in God's name they will be saved".
Is it his plan?
Mormon Bill Montana ,45, says "Of course it is -according to the scriptures, God knows everything - just as I know blacks are decedents of Cain, and are cursed, that's why they're black!".
And what may His plan be? As said in the scriptures, He wants us all dead in order to be judged and then apparently resurrect. How is he going to do this? What better (evil) way then having us kill each other.
Faruk Muhti
Editorial Newsroom
San Jose, Costa Rica — With war and violence breaking throughout the world being justified by religious beliefs, it finally seems that God's evil plan is finally coming together.
"He wants us all dead!" said local nutcase Father Amado Fuentes, 65, while sipping his morning coffee "His plan is perfect - He has given us free will and tricked us into freely interpreting his scriptures making us believe that He is different per country, region or religion - and that we must kill for Him".
However, this is not something new as most religions that believe in God have killed, kill or will kill in His Holy name, as theologist Marta Castro, 37, explains "it started with the Jews, then the Romans, the Catholics, the Arabs, the Christians, the Mormons - everyone just kills in the name of God - Apparently, people that go to church or follow a religion are gullible to do whatever the leader tells them to do... as long as it's in God's name they will be saved".
Is it his plan?
Mormon Bill Montana ,45, says "Of course it is -according to the scriptures, God knows everything - just as I know blacks are decedents of Cain, and are cursed, that's why they're black!".
And what may His plan be? As said in the scriptures, He wants us all dead in order to be judged and then apparently resurrect. How is he going to do this? What better (evil) way then having us kill each other.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Prostitute literally works her ass off - Doctors don't know what to do
November 16, 2009
Pierre LePerrot
Editorial Newsroom
Paris, France — French doctors are marveled at how a female prostitute managed to literally and ironically work her ass off last Monday. Jean-Pierre Lehner, 53, Chief medical officer in France said that "what seemed physically impossible, is possible - you can actually work your ass off".
The prostitute was admitted into the "Institut Curie" hospital in Paris at 11:43 am, after "working" with what she calls "a few clients, including a donkey."
Meanwhile, the WHO has advised prostitutes and especially gigolos not work too much while getting tested for regular STD's
However, not all sex workers are happy with the aforementioned advice, stating that recession makes it almost impossible to get medical tests and take care of themselves.
More as it comes.
Pierre LePerrot
Editorial Newsroom
Paris, France — French doctors are marveled at how a female prostitute managed to literally and ironically work her ass off last Monday. Jean-Pierre Lehner, 53, Chief medical officer in France said that "what seemed physically impossible, is possible - you can actually work your ass off".
The prostitute was admitted into the "Institut Curie" hospital in Paris at 11:43 am, after "working" with what she calls "a few clients, including a donkey."
Meanwhile, the WHO has advised prostitutes and especially gigolos not work too much while getting tested for regular STD's
However, not all sex workers are happy with the aforementioned advice, stating that recession makes it almost impossible to get medical tests and take care of themselves.
More as it comes.
Lady looks for Prince Charming - Kisses Frogs Instead
November 16, 2009
Harry Miller
Brooklyn, New York — Elisa MacKormic, 20, was surprised after kissing and doing what she says were "Over five frogs" after looking for Prince Charming.
According to sources close to her, she allegedly was tricked into believing that each frog would turn into a prince once she gave everything she had as well as putting out on the first date. After having no more to give, each frog simply faded away, leaving MacKormic with no more than debt, pain and herpes.
Despite this, she continues to look for frogs expecting them to transform into her lovely perfect "prince".
Is she blind, or just plain stupid?
Professional liar and psychologist Ellen Bean, 33, thinks that MacKormic just like many women out there, may be naive, blind, close-minded or plain stupid. Bean, who recently published her book "We like frogs!" assumes that women want frogs to become real gentlemen by attempting to change them. However, they also turn away real men that try to be as perfect as possible, with dismissing phrases like "You are [too] good", "I like you ... as a friend" , "Give me time - Let me think" , "It's not you ... it's me" and behaviors such as making men believe they have a chance, generally to take advantage of them.
"Men also change" hypothesizes Bean - "Many frogs were once men, whom after being treated like shit decide that it's not worth being good and honorable as they analyze how frogs get all the attention and sex" adding later - "The biggest problem is changing those frogs back into the men they once were ... it's nearly impossible".
Perhaps, one day MacKormic will find her prince, or continue masturbating a frog.
Meanwhile, at Press Time, CERN Scientists have not found the logic to this paradox, but recommend "Women to give the good men in their lives a chance without being defensive or negative about it" they later continued by chuckling and spurting sarcastically "Like that's going to happen".
Harry Miller
Brooklyn, New York — Elisa MacKormic, 20, was surprised after kissing and doing what she says were "Over five frogs" after looking for Prince Charming.
According to sources close to her, she allegedly was tricked into believing that each frog would turn into a prince once she gave everything she had as well as putting out on the first date. After having no more to give, each frog simply faded away, leaving MacKormic with no more than debt, pain and herpes.
Despite this, she continues to look for frogs expecting them to transform into her lovely perfect "prince".
Is she blind, or just plain stupid?
Professional liar and psychologist Ellen Bean, 33, thinks that MacKormic just like many women out there, may be naive, blind, close-minded or plain stupid. Bean, who recently published her book "We like frogs!" assumes that women want frogs to become real gentlemen by attempting to change them. However, they also turn away real men that try to be as perfect as possible, with dismissing phrases like "You are [too] good", "I like you ... as a friend" , "Give me time - Let me think" , "It's not you ... it's me" and behaviors such as making men believe they have a chance, generally to take advantage of them.
"Men also change" hypothesizes Bean - "Many frogs were once men, whom after being treated like shit decide that it's not worth being good and honorable as they analyze how frogs get all the attention and sex" adding later - "The biggest problem is changing those frogs back into the men they once were ... it's nearly impossible".
Perhaps, one day MacKormic will find her prince, or continue masturbating a frog.
Meanwhile, at Press Time, CERN Scientists have not found the logic to this paradox, but recommend "Women to give the good men in their lives a chance without being defensive or negative about it" they later continued by chuckling and spurting sarcastically "Like that's going to happen".
Welcome to Hell - First Class News - Straight to your monitor
November 16, 2009
San Jose, Costa Rica — Welcome to Hell- A small new News Agency, has been created to do what no other news companies or reporters are actually doing, reporting real news.
Welcome to Hell is as underfunded, bankrupt and in heavy debt just as other media agencies, thanks in large part to the CEO's and other corporate officers' high payroll and bonuses. However, this behavior is justified by the average shareholder[read: Average Stupid Joe] and according to The Tribune's COO "is necessary - because monkeys still cannot wear suits, ties, say lies and manipulate the masses".
Welcome To Hell's World Headquaters are located in San Jose, Costa Rica. Equipment includes 1 old computer, 1 crummy internet connection, 1000 typewriters, 1000 un-PETA certified baboons for writing.
San Jose, Costa Rica — Welcome to Hell- A small new News Agency, has been created to do what no other news companies or reporters are actually doing, reporting real news.
Welcome to Hell is as underfunded, bankrupt and in heavy debt just as other media agencies, thanks in large part to the CEO's and other corporate officers' high payroll and bonuses. However, this behavior is justified by the average shareholder[read: Average Stupid Joe] and according to The Tribune's COO "is necessary - because monkeys still cannot wear suits, ties, say lies and manipulate the masses".
Welcome To Hell's World Headquaters are located in San Jose, Costa Rica. Equipment includes 1 old computer, 1 crummy internet connection, 1000 typewriters, 1000 un-PETA certified baboons for writing.
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