Thursday, February 11, 2010

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day

February 11th, 2010

Washington, United States (The Onion)— Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine's Day.

A ritual as old as time itself, this year's pubis-shearing is expected to be among the largest in decades, with more than 20,000 tons of curly clippings predicted to fall by Feb. 14.

"My boyfriend and I are going to see As You Like It and then enjoy a nice candlelit three-course dinner," said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with many other hopeful lovers will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, retreat to a nearby bathroom, and carefully tend to the area around her genitalia. "It's going to be so romantic!"

Indeed, tiny scissors and electric razors have already begun to fly off drugstore shelves, while all across the country legs are dangling precariously over open bathtub drains. According to statistics from the National Depilatory Council, the week before Valentine's Day is by far the busiest time of the year for shaving, trimming, sculpting, playful pattern-making, waxing, and even manscaping.

"David and I are going to take a long walk around the park and then maybe on the way home we'll stop and grab some ice cream," said Julie Stibbons, a Dallas-area design consultant who recently made use of grooming shears, a pair of tweezers, and two magnifying mirrors to contribute her 0.4 ounces to the nation's total raw tonnage. "I wonder if David will send me flowers at work like last year."

Added Stibbons, whose smooth vaginal region will show no signs of stubble for days to come, "He's just so wonderful."

While this year promises to be prolific, experts said the country has gone through many personal grooming phases over the years. In 1947, the first year records were kept, Americans only mowed about 1.25 tons off their "crotch lawns," while in the mid-1970s private trimmings were so rare that documentation was actually abandoned until 1981.

But with the booming economy of the 1990s, the U.S. saw a significant resurgence in pre–Valentine's Day shearing and plucking.

"There's a huge spike every year in the first half of February," said Brooks Watson, who is head of sales at Schick, makers of the TrimStyle razor for women. "The rest of the year, Americans generate about 50,000 tons of total trimmings, but in the week before this special holiday we see a massive jump. It's a veritable clear-cutting down there."

"Bzzzzzzzz," he added. "Timber!"

According to Schick's marketing research, during the Valentine's season, U.S. pubic hair removal rates briefly approach those of Brazil, traditionally the smoothest country on the planet. While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season, and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece's during the week of Thanksgiving.

"If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger," said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer's supply closet. "See? Worth the itching, if you ask me."

While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz's enthusiasm.

"I'm not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals," said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine's Day was "invented by the razor industry" to sell grooming devices. "If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round."

Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution.

"We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective," Spaulding said. "In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

New TV program seeks to educate children.

February 10th, 2010

Elena Alexandrov

New York City, New York —
If you are looking for a fun and educational show for your kids, expose them to Maraka the Adventurer TV show. It will not only get your kids to stay put, it will let them learn and discover a lot of things in the process.

Maraka the Adventurer TV show is all about a lovable little Hispanic girl who loves to go on adventures. She wears mismatch clothes and always brings her friend Boots, who is a talking monkey. As they go along their adventures, Maraka would introduce her talking bag or mochila and her singing map.

In many parts of the show, Maraka asks questions to the audience and gives the audience time to make a response. At these times, kids could make decisions along with Maraka, allowing them to exercise their mental abilities. If your kids are already at the age where they are beginning to understand things, the TV show is a good training for them. They will also learn basic Spanish, music, math and many more.

You can watch Maraka the Adventurer TV show on your local cable network. But if you don’t have it in your network, there are some other ways to get it. The DVD of the series is already sold on the market. But you can also watch it online for free. All you need is an Internet connection and there you have it, free Maraka the Adventurer for your kids.

There are also sites that will let your kids play Maraka the Adventurer games online. You can also download them if you want. There are different kinds of games offered here. The games would be very advantageous for your kids. Even though they are still pre-school, they would already learn to draw, to read, to solve puzzles and many others.

There are also sites where you can order stuff toys, clothes and other goodies for your kids. If you don’t want to order online, you can go to the kids section of your local malls so that your kids can choose firsthand which product they want.

If you are anxious that Maraka the Adventurer TV show may pose threats to your children, don’t worry. The TV show is a multi-awarded children’s show. It has gained the reputation as an outstanding children’s animated program both in the Emmy Awards and ALMA Awards. With this, you can be sure that the series is a good show for your kids.

If you want to learn more about Maraka the Adventurer TV show, view the video below.

W2H News has exclusive content of the new Maraka the Adventurer TV show below.

Maraka the adventurer

Welcome 2 Hell News | W2H News

Business: Recommending or hiring friends creates enemies.

February 10th, 2010

Adam Weizman

Massachusetts, United States It happened to Steve Jobs, it happened to Jesus, it happens in videogames, and it may happen to you. According to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), recommending friends in a workplace will most likely buy you a new enemy rather than a friend. The solution? Don't recommend friends. Even better, just recommend an enemy, they will probably be more faithful.

Boss? Don't even think about it.

In the same study, MIT suggested that bosses whom hire friends will most likely get screwed by their employees, either through hypocrisy, bad-mouthing, or simply lying.

What about family?

Be wary of hiring family as it is just as bad, especially if they are step-brothers or sisters (increased competitiveness). Common knowledge has told us this for years and we should listen.

Power - Never put too much trust in friends, Learn how to use enemies

Be wary of friends - they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from your friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make some.

It is natural to want to employ your friends, when you find yourself in times of need. The world is a harsh place and your friends soften the harshness. Besides, you know them. Why depend on a stranger when you have a friend at hand?

The difficulty is that you often do not know your friends, as well as you imagine. Friends often agree on things, in order to avoid an argument. They cover up their unpleasant qualities, so as to not offend each other. They laugh extra hard at each other's jokes. Since honesty rarely strengthens friendship, you may never know how a friend truly feels. Friends will say that they love your poetry, adore your music, envy your taste in clothes - perhaps they mean it, often they do not.

When you decide to hire a friend, you gradually discover the qualities he or she has kept hidden. Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness, which unbalances everything. People want to feel that they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favor can become oppressive: It means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch on condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them.

The problem with employing or hiring friends is that it will inevitably limit your power. The friend is rarely the one who is most able to help you; and in the end, skill and competence are more important than friendly feelings.

All working situations require a kind of distance between people. You are trying to work, not make friends; friendliness, real or false, obscures that fact. The key to power is the ability to judge who is best able to further your interests, in all situations.

Your enemies, on the other hand, are an untapped gold mine that you must learn to exploit. When Talleyrand, Napolean's Foreign Minister, decided in 1807 that his boss was leading France into ruin, and the time had come to turn against him, he understood the dangers of conspiring against the emperor; he needed a partner, a confederate - What friend could he trust in such a project? He chose Fouché, head of the secret police, his most hated enemy, a man who had tried to have him assassinated. He knew that their former hatred would create an opportunity for an emotional reconciliation. He knew that Fouché would expect nothing from him, and in fact would work to prove that he was worth of Talleyrand's choice; a person who has something to prove will move mountains for you. Finally, he knew that his relationship with Fouché would be based on mutual self-inteest, and would not be contaminated by personal feeling. The selection proved perfect; although the conspirators did not succeed in toppling Napolean, the union of such powerful but unlikely partners generated much interest in the cause; opposition to the Emperor slowly began to spread. And, from then on, Talleyrand and Fouché had a fruitful working relationship. Whenever you can, bury the hatchet with an enemy, and make a point of putting him in your service.

Never let the presence of enemies upset or distress you - you are better off with a declared opponent or two than not knowing where your enemies lie. The man of power welcomes conflict, using enemies to enhance his reputation as a sure-footed fighter, who can be relied upon in times of uncertainty.

Any questions?

Saturday, February 06, 2010

United States Department of Education: "We're Screwed!"

February 6th, 2010

Faruk Muhti

Washington DC, United States Moments ago, Secretary Arne Duncan, 45, from the United States Department of Education stated that all intelligent people living in the United States should evacuate the country immediately due to a possible threat of "Idiotism".

"Everyone who is smart enough, should leave the country now. We are approaching our own doom through ignorance, stereotypes and stupidity. In a few years, we will be nothing more then rednecks starving to death" Said Duncan, whom later added "Our mere society is but a mere perilous stack of cards... destined to collapse by its own weight. In other words, we are screwed if we stay and let the future of this country rule us... the children of today are the doom of tomorrow."

Why is this happening?

When pressed on the subject of why this is happening, Duncan blamed different sources, starting with overprotective parents whom believe that watching Up! is too violent for their children, (same ones that say that bad words, blood gore and violence are ok in our society, but nudity in an artistic way isn't); people who believe that there cannot be a black or female president as well as stereotyping all blacks as criminals and Middle Easterns as terrorists; to teachers who teach that "America is one country and we speak American (and Spanish speakers speak Mexican)," with the final blame going to Hollywood for releasing stupid movies every year.

Meanwhile, (Black-Arab)United States President Barack Obama agreed with Duncan and is planning to move to Tokyo. "I weep for the future of the United States, science and intelligence" said the President when boarding his plane.

W2H News has exclusive content of the United State's future psychos below.

US Future 1

US Future 2

US Future 3

US Future 4

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Technology: Apple iPad, doing everything cheaper things do... worse

February 3rd, 2010

Adam Weizman

San Francisco, California — Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, 54, presented the Apple iPad last week. Their new flagship portable not-PDA slash not-Netbook slash not-Computer can do revolutionary things netbook users have been doing for years, such as surfing the net (without Adobe Flash Support), writing (on a virtual keyboard... physical keyboard and dock will come at the MSRP of $your kidney), ebook and New York Times reading, movie watching (with lack of true HD) and music listening, all this for the price of double your average netbook.

Like Multitasking?

No? Apple's got you covered. Jobs decided to omit the ever important feature for the iPad saying that "people like the impractical practice of closing one application and going to another - being complicated is the new cool, and that's what Apple is about, cool, expensive and impractical products".

Stay tuned for next week, when Apple announces the iShit Digital Toilet.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Opinion: I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore

February 1st, 2010

Rush Limbaugh, The Onion

For a brief idea who Rush Limbaugh is, go here (Yes, HERE is CLICKABLE)

I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Try to look at it from my point of view. I have no reason to live. In my 59 years, I've made millions of dollars, built a veritable media empire, and accomplished virtually everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. And yet, at this point, in no way could you refer to what I'm doing as "living," exactly. I just sort of exist. I derive no real pleasure from life. Oh, sure, I talk a big game about what a golf nut I am and how much I enjoy the taste of a fine cigar, but it's all horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.

I don't enjoy that stuff. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even want to be here. The sadness and regret I feel every waking hour of my life is absolutely unbearable. I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist.

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, "What the fuck am I doing?" Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called "Barack the Magic Negro"? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I live in constant terror and that terror informs my every word, thought, and action.

See, the thing is, I honestly cannot control the bilious hatred and filth that oozes out of my mouth. I want to—believe me, I want to—but I can't. And every time I speak, a tiny voice inside my head is screaming, "Stop talking, you stupid, insensitive prick. JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING. All you do is spread hate and fear, and the world would be a better place without you, you worthless, amoral, cocksucking fuckface."

What I should really do is just commit suicide. I have this little Sunday ritual I started around the time I publicly compared the torture at Abu Ghraib to a fraternity prank, where I climb into my Jacuzzi and put a gun in my mouth. But I can never work up the guts to pull the trigger. A few times I came close to overdosing on prescription pain pills, but my goddamn doctors were always there to save me. If I had any sense, I would just hole myself up in a Red Roof Inn with a case of Jack Daniel's and slowly drink myself into the gaping maw of death itself.

But what can I say? I guess I'm just too much of a fat fucking pussy to follow through.

You know what? I wish someone would just kill me. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Oh my God, how can you say such a thing? You can't print that in a newspaper!" But see, I don't care anymore. I've cried my tears. I've battled my demons, and I've lost. It's over. It's all over. The only thing left for me to do now is just go away. Have I even once contributed a single ounce of good to humanity? Put me out of my misery. I wouldn't make a fuss. I wouldn't even humiliate myself by saying goodbye. For the first time in my odious, pitiful life, I'd accept my fate with quiet dignity.

Then I wouldn't have to live with my wretched, wretched self. Oh, the release.

I've imagined my death a thousand times over, and it's always the same. In my mind's eye, a serene setting comes into view. I see a funeral procession driving down some small-town Main Street in Nowheresville, U.S.A. On one side of the street, a collection of sycophants and morons are paying their respects in subliterate, sanctimonious tones. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, I can just make out the faint image of a young boy, his brow furrowed in confusion, clutching the hand of his father. "Who is that man, Daddy?" he asks as the hearse containing my bloated, lifeless body rolls by. "Who is that person they speak of?" The father will then lower his head and say, "There, my son, go the remains of Rush Hudson Limbaugh, the most abominable lump of festering dog shit in the history of American broadcasting. May the likes of him never again soil or tarnish the greatness of our fair country."

Please forgive me, everyone. I am so sorry.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Opinion: Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again

January 12th, 2009

Karen Robertson, The Onion

Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.

It's time, kids. Your mother can't go on grieving forever.

Now, I know you guys only want to think of me as just "Mom," and that's okay! Believe me, nothing brings me greater joy than being your Mom. But the truth is, I'm more than just the lady who tucks you in at night and used to kiss your boo-boos. I'm also a grown-up, and grown-ups have certain—how should I put this—needs that can only be met by other grown-ups. Very special needs. Like companionship. And affection. And the steady thrust of a man's engorged penis sliding ever so gently, deeper, deeper, inside of her.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes your mother gets lonely and feels like spending some time with a person her own age. A special friend, you might say. A special friend who will tenderly lick your mother's breasts, and her clitoris, and maybe pull her hair when she asks him to. But I want you to know that I am not trying to replace your father, okay? Your father will always be your father, and no one could ever replace him. This isn't about that.

This is about finding a well-hung fuck-stud to shove his manhood inside of Mommy and, with any luck, bring her to a shattering climax. A man—any man—who will fuck her hard and fuck her soft and fuck her however she wants it, whenever she desires.

Believe me, kids, if your father were still around to slam me silly, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But he's not, and I know this is exactly what he would have wanted. You'll understand when you're older.

And please don't think that once I get a little deep dicking things won't be the same around here. You might worry that these new friends I'm inviting back to my bedroom at all hours of the night to turn me inside out will become more important to me than you. Well, let me tell you right now: Even an 18-year-old quarterback with a face like Johnny Depp's and the dong of a Clydesdale could never, ever make me forget that you are the most important things in my life. His perfect, smooth cock would still pale in comparison to you two. Even if it had a big thick throbbing head.

And no, you won't have to call this person daddy. I will, but you don't have to.

Oh, my perfect little angels. This must seem so unfair to you. Here we are, finally getting settled into our new lives, and now I go and throw another curveball at you. I'm sure this is all very confusing, and I know you guys must think it's too soon for your mother to get screwed so hard her fillings come loose. To get porked rotten. To have her sugar wall churned into cotton candy. To taste the sweaty tang of a man's thickening shaft. To have her ass ridden raw all the way to San Antonio. To break it off so nasty that the very angels in heaven have to avert their eyes. To be thrown around like a rag doll, back and forth, upside down, fucked, stuffed, and eaten out till she honks like a goose. To have her anus drilled like a well of West Texas crude. To get split in half by Dominicans twins with balls like grape melons. But trust me, Mommy is ready for all of these things, and I promise you that everything will turn out fine. Just remember: I'm your mother, and I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Even multiple orgasms. Never forget that.

Now, who wants a grilled cheese?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

US to World - No one can waste money like we can

November 19, 2009

Karim Abdullah

Washington DC, USA — In an international press conference and talking about the United States economy, US Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton has just said "Compare anything to the US government and you'll see no one can waste money like we can".

No comments were given after the conference, but expect the most powerful nation in the world to rely foreign aid at any time in the near future.