20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day

February 11th, 2010

Washington, United States (The Onion)— Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine's Day.

A ritual as old as time itself, this year's pubis-shearing is expected to be among the largest in decades, with more than 20,000 tons of curly clippings predicted to fall by Feb. 14.

"My boyfriend and I are going to see As You Like It and then enjoy a nice candlelit three-course dinner," said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with many other hopeful lovers will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, retreat to a nearby bathroom, and carefully tend to the area around her genitalia. "It's going to be so romantic!"

Indeed, tiny scissors and electric razors have already begun to fly off drugstore shelves, while all across the country legs are dangling precariously over open bathtub drains. According to statistics from the National Depilatory Council, the week before Valentine's Day is by far the busiest time of the year for shaving, trimming, sculpting, playful pattern-making, waxing, and even manscaping.

"David and I are going to take a long walk around the park and then maybe on the way home we'll stop and grab some ice cream," said Julie Stibbons, a Dallas-area design consultant who recently made use of grooming shears, a pair of tweezers, and two magnifying mirrors to contribute her 0.4 ounces to the nation's total raw tonnage. "I wonder if David will send me flowers at work like last year."

Added Stibbons, whose smooth vaginal region will show no signs of stubble for days to come, "He's just so wonderful."

While this year promises to be prolific, experts said the country has gone through many personal grooming phases over the years. In 1947, the first year records were kept, Americans only mowed about 1.25 tons off their "crotch lawns," while in the mid-1970s private trimmings were so rare that documentation was actually abandoned until 1981.

But with the booming economy of the 1990s, the U.S. saw a significant resurgence in pre–Valentine's Day shearing and plucking.

"There's a huge spike every year in the first half of February," said Brooks Watson, who is head of sales at Schick, makers of the TrimStyle razor for women. "The rest of the year, Americans generate about 50,000 tons of total trimmings, but in the week before this special holiday we see a massive jump. It's a veritable clear-cutting down there."

"Bzzzzzzzz," he added. "Timber!"

According to Schick's marketing research, during the Valentine's season, U.S. pubic hair removal rates briefly approach those of Brazil, traditionally the smoothest country on the planet. While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season, and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece's during the week of Thanksgiving.

"If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger," said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer's supply closet. "See? Worth the itching, if you ask me."

While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz's enthusiasm.

"I'm not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals," said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine's Day was "invented by the razor industry" to sell grooming devices. "If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round."

Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution.

"We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective," Spaulding said. "In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks."

Business: Recommending or hiring friends creates enemies.

February 10th, 2010
Business

Adam Weizman

Massachusetts, United States — It happened to Steve Jobs, it happened to Jesus, it happens in videogames, and it may happen to you. According to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), recommending friends in a workplace will most likely buy you a new enemy rather than a friend. The solution? Don't recommend friends. Even better, just recommend an enemy, they will probably be more faithful.

Boss? Don't even think about it.

In the same study, MIT suggested that bosses whom hire friends will most likely get screwed by their employees, either through hypocrisy, bad-mouthing, or simply lying.

What about family?

Be wary of hiring family as it is just as bad, especially if they are step-brothers or sisters (increased competitiveness). Common knowledge has told us this for years and we should listen.

Power - Never put too much trust in friends, Learn how to use enemies

Be wary of friends - they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from your friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make some.

It is natural to want to employ your friends, when you find yourself in times of need. The world is a harsh place and your friends soften the harshness. Besides, you know them. Why depend on a stranger when you have a friend at hand?

The difficulty is that you often do not know your friends, as well as you imagine. Friends often agree on things, in order to avoid an argument. They cover up their unpleasant qualities, so as to not offend each other. They laugh extra hard at each other's jokes. Since honesty rarely strengthens friendship, you may never know how a friend truly feels. Friends will say that they love your poetry, adore your music, envy your taste in clothes - perhaps they mean it, often they do not.

When you decide to hire a friend, you gradually discover the qualities he or she has kept hidden. Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness, which unbalances everything. People want to feel that they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favor can become oppressive: It means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch on condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them.

The problem with employing or hiring friends is that it will inevitably limit your power. The friend is rarely the one who is most able to help you; and in the end, skill and competence are more important than friendly feelings.

All working situations require a kind of distance between people. You are trying to work, not make friends; friendliness, real or false, obscures that fact. The key to power is the ability to judge who is best able to further your interests, in all situations.

Your enemies, on the other hand, are an untapped gold mine that you must learn to exploit. When Talleyrand, Napolean's Foreign Minister, decided in 1807 that his boss was leading France into ruin, and the time had come to turn against him, he understood the dangers of conspiring against the emperor; he needed a partner, a confederate - What friend could he trust in such a project? He chose Fouché, head of the secret police, his most hated enemy, a man who had tried to have him assassinated. He knew that their former hatred would create an opportunity for an emotional reconciliation. He knew that Fouché would expect nothing from him, and in fact would work to prove that he was worth of Talleyrand's choice; a person who has something to prove will move mountains for you. Finally, he knew that his relationship with Fouché would be based on mutual self-inteest, and would not be contaminated by personal feeling. The selection proved perfect; although the conspirators did not succeed in toppling Napolean, the union of such powerful but unlikely partners generated much interest in the cause; opposition to the Emperor slowly began to spread. And, from then on, Talleyrand and Fouché had a fruitful working relationship. Whenever you can, bury the hatchet with an enemy, and make a point of putting him in your service.

Never let the presence of enemies upset or distress you - you are better off with a declared opponent or two than not knowing where your enemies lie. The man of power welcomes conflict, using enemies to enhance his reputation as a sure-footed fighter, who can be relied upon in times of uncertainty.

Any questions?

Opinion: Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again

January 12th, 2009

Karen Robertson, The Onion

Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.

It's time, kids. Your mother can't go on grieving forever.

Now, I know you guys only want to think of me as just "Mom," and that's okay! Believe me, nothing brings me greater joy than being your Mom. But the truth is, I'm more than just the lady who tucks you in at night and used to kiss your boo-boos. I'm also a grown-up, and grown-ups have certain—how should I put this—needs that can only be met by other grown-ups. Very special needs. Like companionship. And affection. And the steady thrust of a man's engorged penis sliding ever so gently, deeper, deeper, inside of her.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes your mother gets lonely and feels like spending some time with a person her own age. A special friend, you might say. A special friend who will tenderly lick your mother's breasts, and her clitoris, and maybe pull her hair when she asks him to. But I want you to know that I am not trying to replace your father, okay? Your father will always be your father, and no one could ever replace him. This isn't about that.

This is about finding a well-hung fuck-stud to shove his manhood inside of Mommy and, with any luck, bring her to a shattering climax. A man—any man—who will fuck her hard and fuck her soft and fuck her however she wants it, whenever she desires.

Believe me, kids, if your father were still around to slam me silly, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But he's not, and I know this is exactly what he would have wanted. You'll understand when you're older.

And please don't think that once I get a little deep dicking things won't be the same around here. You might worry that these new friends I'm inviting back to my bedroom at all hours of the night to turn me inside out will become more important to me than you. Well, let me tell you right now: Even an 18-year-old quarterback with a face like Johnny Depp's and the dong of a Clydesdale could never, ever make me forget that you are the most important things in my life. His perfect, smooth cock would still pale in comparison to you two. Even if it had a big thick throbbing head.

And no, you won't have to call this person daddy. I will, but you don't have to.

Oh, my perfect little angels. This must seem so unfair to you. Here we are, finally getting settled into our new lives, and now I go and throw another curveball at you. I'm sure this is all very confusing, and I know you guys must think it's too soon for your mother to get screwed so hard her fillings come loose. To get porked rotten. To have her sugar wall churned into cotton candy. To taste the sweaty tang of a man's thickening shaft. To have her ass ridden raw all the way to San Antonio. To break it off so nasty that the very angels in heaven have to avert their eyes. To be thrown around like a rag doll, back and forth, upside down, fucked, stuffed, and eaten out till she honks like a goose. To have her anus drilled like a well of West Texas crude. To get split in half by Dominicans twins with balls like grape melons. But trust me, Mommy is ready for all of these things, and I promise you that everything will turn out fine. Just remember: I'm your mother, and I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Even multiple orgasms. Never forget that.

Now, who wants a grilled cheese?

God Creates Man, Makes Mistake- Creates Woman

BREAKING NEWS

November 18, 2009

Elena Alexandrov

Earth — After 2000 years of public silence, Jesus Christ, 2009, arrived to earth this morning in order to give a press conference.

Jesus, who was accompanied by his entourage, Mohammed, Buddha, Ganesha, Elena G. White and Joseph Smith, said that "he was happy to be back" and "is here to give a message from his father".

"First, and foremost, creating man was a mistake... just look at one" said an enthusiastic Christ while smiling towards the cameras - "We therefore chose to create woman - who is the perfect being".

When questioned about the creation of man, Christ replied that "Man was simply a prototype. Sadly we could not recover the original blueprints of woman since they were stolen by Lucifer, who now uses them to lure people to hell with pornography, whores and whatever a woman could do to incite and manipulate man - it's the perfect weapon".


Is lesbianism ok?

Since the press conference, ultra feminist and lesbian advocate Rosie Fritz, 25, commented that this may be the indirect way of God agreeing to woman on woman action, however, her dreams were soon crushed when a heaven spokesperson replied "We do not comment on rumor or speculation - that's what religion is for".

Friend cockblocks other "Friend" - Says he is Best friend

November 17, 2009

Adam Weizmann

Austin, Texas — Resident Joe Baker, 23, is tired of his so called friend who apparently tries to sabotage his potential relationship. Baker, who has been seeing Tatiana Pomelli, mentioned earlier today that he "is tired of this shit" and "wishes that this stupid fuck would get a life, a girlfriend and/or a boyfriend" after the third party sabotaged his date for the 34th time this year, by either "coming along uninvited, text messaging, calling or sounding depressed(read: being emo)". On the other hand, Marvin Bing, 20, defends his position. "I'm both of their friends - I have a right to be here. If they want to have time alone, all they have to do is tell me, and I'll leave them alone" Later adding "I'll just barge in at the most inappropriate of time".

Jealousy or Protective Friend?

Bing, who was previously in love with Pomelli, argues that he is just being protective of her and it is necessary to be around [her] all the time, even while Baker is not around. "I'm just taking care of her, that's all" Said Bing, who later whispered "I need to make sure that no one takes her from my friend: Joe".

However, Bing's statement might not be all that true. Susan McNamara, a relationship specialist, believes that Bing is clearly obsessed with Pomelli which is shown by his childish attitude and immature behavior while trying to look like the alfa-dog.

"Trying to get all her attention by talking too much? Check. Trying to undermine Baker? Check. Trying to be with Pomelli 24/7 now that there's someone else in the picture? Check. What we've got here is a typical case of assholerism/cockblockism and sadly the only way to cure his fixation is for him to grow a pair" ranted McNamara.

Unfortunately, at Press Time, Bing hasn't grown anything.

Stay tuned for updates.

God's Evil Plan

November 17, 2009

Faruk Muhti
Editorial Newsroom

San Jose, Costa Rica — With war and violence breaking throughout the world being justified by religious beliefs, it finally seems that God's evil plan is finally coming together.

"He wants us all dead!" said local nutcase Father Amado Fuentes, 65, while sipping his morning coffee "His plan is perfect - He has given us free will and tricked us into freely interpreting his scriptures making us believe that He is different per country, region or religion - and that we must kill for Him".

However, this is not something new as most religions that believe in God have killed, kill or will kill in His Holy name, as theologist Marta Castro, 37, explains "it started with the Jews, then the Romans, the Catholics, the Arabs, the Christians, the Mormons - everyone just kills in the name of God - Apparently, people that go to church or follow a religion are gullible to do whatever the leader tells them to do... as long as it's in God's name they will be saved".

Is it his plan?

Mormon Bill Montana ,45, says "Of course it is -according to the scriptures, God knows everything - just as I know blacks are decedents of Cain, and are cursed, that's why they're black!".

And what may His plan be? As said in the scriptures, He wants us all dead in order to be judged and then apparently resurrect. How is he going to do this? What better (evil) way then having us kill each other.

Lady looks for Prince Charming - Kisses Frogs Instead

November 16, 2009

Harry Miller

Brooklyn, New York — Elisa MacKormic, 20, was surprised after kissing and doing what she says were "Over five frogs" after looking for Prince Charming.

According to sources close to her, she allegedly was tricked into believing that each frog would turn into a prince once she gave everything she had as well as putting out on the first date. After having no more to give, each frog simply faded away, leaving MacKormic with no more than debt, pain and herpes.

Despite this, she continues to look for frogs expecting them to transform into her lovely perfect "prince".

Is she blind, or just plain stupid?

Professional liar and psychologist Ellen Bean, 33, thinks that MacKormic just like many women out there, may be naive, blind, close-minded or plain stupid. Bean, who recently published her book "We like frogs!" assumes that women want frogs to become real gentlemen by attempting to change them. However, they also turn away real men that try to be as perfect as possible, with dismissing phrases like "You are [too] good", "I like you ... as a friend" , "Give me time - Let me think" , "It's not you ... it's me" and behaviors such as making men believe they have a chance, generally to take advantage of them.

"Men also change" hypothesizes Bean - "Many frogs were once men, whom after being treated like shit decide that it's not worth being good and honorable as they analyze how frogs get all the attention and sex" adding later - "The biggest problem is changing those frogs back into the men they once were ... it's nearly impossible".

Perhaps, one day MacKormic will find her prince, or continue masturbating a frog.

Meanwhile, at Press Time, CERN Scientists have not found the logic to this paradox, but recommend "Women to give the good men in their lives a chance without being defensive or negative about it" they later continued by chuckling and spurting sarcastically "Like that's going to happen".